Growing up I knew I was different. From daycare, I did not care to go outside and play with my classmates, I was in the books and practicing my penmanship. I was in pursuit of finding “It”. Now, what was it? I did not know, but I was looking for it. I knew there was something I needed to achieve and even at the young age of 3, I was looking for it. So this made school very easy for me because I figured whatever I was looking for was in one of those textbooks. Man… was I wrong. LOL.
I can laugh about it now, but I do wish I understood where it was a lot longer because it would’ve saved me a lot of student loan debt – I finished high school at 16, graduated college at 20, got my MBA, and is 99% completed with my PhD – I am a ABD (all but dissertation). See, I spent my life thinking if I learned more in school I would find happiness, the answer to what I was looking for, and high recognition. But, after every completion of a degree or milestone I still felt like, “Nope, that wasn’t it.”
People never understood why I was so depressed and attempted suicide several times in my life. I was getting very annoyed with trying to figure out why despite having everything that people classified as being successful, I was still incomplete. None of that stuff seemed to matter. This was so frustrating.
In 2012, I started my weight loss journey and when I tell people, it was so unexpected how things turned rapidly in my life See, I cried out to God because I needed His help to lose the weight. I was tired of the many failed diet attempts, the expensive weight loss products, and the memberships I never used. I needed something that would help me change my mind and I guess I would give God a try. But, see God has his own plan and the more you listen to what He presents, you will find yourself trying to figure out, “Well, how in the heck did I end up here?”
2016 was definitely a trigger year. God was sitting directly in my face and was making me very uncomfortable. Here I was receiving so many “downloads” and they were heavy. God was sending me to scripture and I was being told to “release it.” I did not understand why me? I was not a preacher or minister, so why was God sending these messages to me? One day I came across a Pastor from California on Periscope and he said to me, “You cannot run from who you are. God will use anyone, so accept it.” It was so strange because society told me otherwise, but I had to trust God because He did not stop sending the messages, so that meant something, right?
But, despite feeling uncomfortable and not qualified, I felt peace – a peace I never felt before. Had I found it? Did I reach the destination that I was looking for all my life? The wisdom that I was told I had from a child was starting to make sense – it was wisdom from the Lord. God was giving me downloads since I was a child. But, like any other uncomfortable destination, I was worried about this because I was encountering situations that I could not describe; therefore, I wouldn’t tell people. Like random strangers reaching out to me on Facebook asking me to pray for them because “God told me to come to you.” Even though I did not feel comfortable praying with them, I did and they experienced healing. WHAT? Come on, God, you cannot do that? But, I had to accept God can do all things and He will use who He wants to use.
One day I asked God a bold question, “Why did you give this to me? Was this what I sought after all these years?” I imagined my destination would look a lot different. I had accepted that I was a teacher, so I embraced that. I thought I would be a dean at a college, but I guess God said, nope… You’ll be another type of educator.
It is not easy, but every time I release a message from the Lord, I just let it be. When God tells me to do something, I just do it. I understand what when I show up and help someone or speak, I am bringing someone closer to God. When I do not know the person I must give a message to, I no longer think that I am a weirdo because it could be the answer they have been waiting on. When I am sent someone to speak, I know to invite the Holy Spirit with me on that stage because when He does, it is bound to turn the place out – literally.
If you are wondering why you too, don’t. Embrace the calling on your life. Allow God to use you in the manner and way He desires. You are more qualified to complete the mission. You are not a weirdo nor strange – you are gifted and wonderfully made. Get to that destination and get there quickly because the sooner you accept who you are, the people that need you will be able to reach their greatest potential – you are the missing piece.
Tanisha Shanee
Inspirational Speaker
2017 Copyrighted Material Used With Permission (Kingdom Gals Series)
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