When You Are At The End Of Your Road…
Written and Narrated by “Da Queen Bee” Evangelist Angie BEE
Edited by Sister Loretha
Last year, around this same time, I lit a candle in my window in observance of World Suicide Prevention Day. I repeated those steps again this year. Maybe you know someone who lost their life to suicide. Maybe you made an attempt to end your life, like I did. Either way, it is a blessing to know that there are organizations that help someone when they are in need.
What happens when you are at the end of your road? When the money runs out or the abuse won’t stop? How do you clear your mind when you can’t focus or how do you stop your body from failing? When you are at the end of your road and you just can’t do it anymore… what do you do?
Some people say that suicide is “the coward’s way out” of a bad situation. At some level, maybe I agree with that. I was in a bad situation when I tried to end my life; my then-husband was physically and emotionally abusive to my daughters and I. He was “in-between jobs” AGAIN and we found ourselves homeless. I was traveling to every food bank that I could find and borrowing money, just to keep us in a hotel room. The car was repossessed, the storage garage had locked us out for non-payment and the emergency room doctor had just diagnosed me with diabetes. Our situation was bad. Now, I don’t believe that I was really trying to get out of this bad situation, but when my mind became cloudy and the insomnia had me deep in a cavern, ending my life seemed to be the best solution for my daughters. Major depression is a real illness and it had landed on my back.
How could I imagine ending my life while raising my daughters in abuse? The mental illness convinced me that once I was dead, my girls would be raised by their father and his family. They wouldn’t have to endure their stepfather’s abuse and they wouldn’t have to grow old thinking that their mother didn’t want them anymore. You see, in my mind I thought that my death would be the best thing for them! I have since learned that major depression is an illness with life-altering and life-threatening symptoms. Don’t just think that a person can “snap out of it” when they are bed-ridden. They are at the end of their road, as I was.
When I wrote my first book entitled “Last Week… I Wanted To Die”, I had been symptom free for about a year. I was in counseling and I was medicated. Those pro-active steps were helping me. I was learning to recognize my symptoms and speak life over them, and over me. You see, I had to learn that.
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof” – Proverbs 18:21 Kings James Version
I was learning that when your mind tells you “NO”, you can speak “YES” and receive healing from the power of the Holy Spirit. Even if you don’t believe the words that you are speaking, your tongue has the power to heal, and I was speaking life over my situation. The Obstructive Sleep Apnea was controlled with the c-pap machine, and during those times when I still couldn’t sleep, I would pray. When the darkness set in and I couldn’t see the light, I would pray. I was at the end of MY road, so I learned to follow the road that God had set before me. When my ankles would swell from poor circulation and the acid re-flux would make it difficult to speak, I would pray.
“Lift up your hands in the sanctuary, and bless the LORD” – Psalm 134:2
When I stood my ground and filed for divorce, and when I moved my daughter and I in to a garage-efficiency dwelling in the back of my landlord’s house… I was stepping out on faith. I didn’t KNOW that we would make it, I just believed in something bigger than myself. My Pastor was teaching on faith and I was listening!
“So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God”
– Romans 10:17
I kept on attending church, and I kept on hearing words of faith, hope, healing and love. I kept up with my medical appointments and stayed in counseling and on my medication. The words that were being spoken out loud in the sanctuary and reaching my ears were then being downloaded into my heart and coming out of my mouth! I was hearing life, I was loving life and I was speaking life over my darkness and over my situation while I was learning to live with and conquer major depression.
Since that time I have been diagnosed with more mental health issues such as generalized anxiety disorder and PTSD. Each time, I returned to scripture for my understanding and my survival. I used resources to learn about my symptoms and I used the power of my tongue to speak life over my situation. I raised my hands in my OWN sanctuary (my home, my yard, my car) and I gave the Lord praise and I continued to stand in faith that HE will provide for my needs. God has been faithful to me in sending me resources and people that have ministered to me and cared for me when the darkness creeps back in. Through the fire of that flame burning brightly in my window, I have learned that when I am at the end of MY road…
“You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever” – Psalm 16:11 New Living Translation
Now, you can see and share that light, too! Come see us on #TheTOURthatAngieBEEpresents and meet other authors, speakers, workshop leaders and lovers of life and lovers of the Lord. Hope to meet you then.
If you want the audio version! Click here: Spiritual Sundays – When You Are At the End Of …
BEE Blessed!
References:
http://www.nami.org/Get-Involved/Awareness-Events/Suicide-Prevention-Awareness-Month
“Last Week…I Wanted To Die” – written and as read by Evangelist Angie BEE
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